The holiday season can bring joy, tradition, and togetherness — but when you’re navigating a divorce or custody dispute, it can also bring stress, uncertainty, and emotional strain. As a family law attorney, I’ve seen how proactive planning, clear communication, and a child-centered approach can make this time of year more peaceful for everyone involved.
Here are some practical tips to help you move through the holidays with more clarity and less conflict.
- Treat the Holiday Schedule Like a Contract
If you have a court order or signed agreement, follow it exactly as written.
That includes pickup times, locations, travel limitations, and any call/FaceTime windows.
Keep all communication in writing — a short email or text — and keep the tone brief and neutral.
- Make a Holiday Plan (Even If You’re Still Negotiating)
If no order has been finalized yet, propose a simple and workable holiday schedule such as:
- Alternating holidays each year (e.g., Thanksgiving on even/odd years)
- Splitting the day only if you live close and your child can comfortably handle transitions
- Clearly defining pickup/drop-off times and who provides transportation
A clear plan reduces anxiety for both parents and children.
- Keep All Communication “BIFF”
BIFF stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm.
It is one of the most effective tools for reducing conflict.
Avoid emotional explanations, sarcasm, or accusations. Remember: assume every message could be read by a judge.
- Don’t Use the Kids as Messengers
Avoid statements like “Tell your mother…” or “Ask your dad…”
Communicate directly, adult-to-adult, to keep your children out of the middle.
- Protect the Kids From Adult Issues
Never discuss court filings, money, infidelity, or “who did what.”
If children ask questions, offer something simple and reassuring:
“Both of us love you, and the adults are working it out.”
- Be Careful With Holiday Travel
Before making any travel plans:
- Review your agreement or order for travel restrictions or consent rules
- Share itinerary basics in writing (dates, location, and contact information)
- If the other parent refuses consent, don’t risk violating the order — speak with counsel first
A little due diligence now can prevent major legal issues later.
- Treat Social Media Like It’s Evidence
Avoid posting about:
- Your case
- The other parent
- New partners
- Partying
- Lavish gifts
Ask friends and family not to tag you in anything that could be taken out of context. Social media missteps often resurface in court.
- Document Issues — But Don’t Create Them
Save relevant screenshots, notes about missed exchanges, travel disputes, or important receipts.
But don’t “bait” the other parent, escalate conflict, or create a situation simply to have something documented. Judges can tell the difference.
- If Conflict is Rising, Seek a Temporary Order
A temporary or interim order can be the single most effective way to reduce holiday stress. A strong order includes specifics on:
- The holiday schedule
- Communication expectations
- Exchange protocols
- Travel rules
- Decision-making authority
Clear structure often leads to calmer holidays.
- Remember to Make the Holidays Special — Even If They Look Different This Year
The holidays may feel unfamiliar or emotional, but small moments of joy, connection, and comfort still matter. Whether you’re honoring old traditions or creating new ones, focus on what brings comfort to you and your children. Even if things look different, you can still celebrate in a meaningful way by wishing your ex a Merry Christmas or Happy Hanukkah, and making space for warmth and peace.