The end of a marriage often comes with difficult feelings for both spouses, which can add a layer of complexity to resolving the details of a divorce. Coming to an agreement on even the most minor issue can be impeded. While there is no way to control how your ex behaves or responds to your efforts, here are some practical approaches that can improve negotiations and help get to an agreement.
Get it in Writing
When emotions are running high, verbal communications are less reliable for several reasons. Anger has been shown to impair or skew memories, meaning that participants in an argument may have different recollections of what was said. Most people also have confirmation bias, leading them to hear what they expect or want to hear, even if that is not entirely accurate. Finally, written evidence tends to have a greater persuasive effect than verbal testimony.
Rather than have conversations about the divorce with your ex in person or over the phone, use email and text to create a record. If you are forced into a verbal exchange, confirm the details in writing as soon as possible, preferably via email or text to the other person. If your ex disputes your account of the exchange, you will have important information about likely difficulties in the divorce process and be better able to prepare to meet them.
Avoid Multi-Track Negotiations
If you are working with an attorney, it is important to be clear with them about the communication strategy. What are the main arguments and issues, and how will you deal with them? Is the lawyer doing the communicating? Sometimes, a side communication with your ex may seem fruitful, but be sure to keep your divorce attorney in the loop about what you are discussing so that there are no mixed messages and potential contradictions.
Don’t Involve the Children
It is incredibly hard to navigate an acrimonious divorce when there are children. They will have their own questions and feelings about this enormous change to the family. It can be tempting to tell them your side of the story, especially if your ex is filling their ears with their version of the situation. Putting the kids in the middle can be incredibly harmful to their emotional and mental well-being. In addition, if they are involved as go-betweens or witnesses to your disputes, they may be forced to testify in the divorce proceedings – an intimidating and often traumatic experience. It is best to shield them as much as possible from the adult dispute.
Consider Mediation
When people cannot agree, it can drag a divorce out for months or years. A good way to lessen the time and expense is a full or partial mediation. Mediation is a process where the two parties (with or without their attorneys) meet with a professional, neutral third party who will work with them to come to an agreement. Most mediations involve minimal contact with the other party – the mediator will keep them in separate rooms and shuttle back and forth with proposals, counters, and assessments of the situation. By dedicating the time allotted to mediation to working on the issues, progress can be made on the issues that can be resolved. Mediation is voluntary and does not require an agreement. Instead, it is an opportunity to focus on the issues and try to reduce or eliminate the points of contention.
Divorce is hard. Being strategic about how you proceed with negotiations can help lower the tensions, organize your case in the event of trial, and possibly lead to a resolution you can live with.