You’ve managed to make a break from your narcissist ex, but if you have children together, you still have to deal with them and their behavior. Narcissists thrive on drama, which can continually retraumatize the children who are trying to adapt to a new normal. Maintaining healthy boundaries and adopting coping mechanisms can help, but it’s important to be aware and prepared for the inevitable challenges your ex will present to the co-parenting process. Here are some important considerations.
Is My Ex A Narcissist?
According to the Mayo Clinic, Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a mental health condition in which people have an inflated opinion of themselves that is neither reasonable nor grounded in reality. Narcissists insist on diverting attention to themselves, seeking praise and acknowledgment while also tearing down the people around them. The Mayo Clinic identifies symptoms of narcissism to include:
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Not all narcissists have all of these traits, but a critical consistency is their inability to handle criticism or other stressful situations. In these instances, narcissists can behave terribly, taking their rage out on you or your children in cruel and destructive ways. You can expect they will have difficulty adapting to change, manage their emotions and behavior poorly, and continually reframe issues to make themselves the hero or the victim instead of dealing with the actual situation.
Prepare For the Expected Challenge of Co-Parenting With A Narcissist.
While some shared custody arrangements can work well because both parents have the best interests of their child at heart and respect one another sufficiently to negotiate in good faith, narcissists are unlikely to make things easy for anyone involved. Clear boundaries and explicit, written rules that the narcissist participated in creating will give a better framework to handle parenting afer divorcing a narcissist. Working with a legal professional who is aware of the potential problems a narcissist can cause can help in drafting a parenting/custodial agreement that is the primary structure of the co-parenting relationship. The agreement should address and resolve as many details as possible because otherwise, the narcissist will use ambiguity to manipulate and jeopardize any stability that you are trying to establish for your children.
Managing Parenting With A Narcissist.
With a parenting plan in place, it is essential to take some additional steps to try to minimize the potential negative impact of a narcissistic co-parent on your life and the health, stability, and happiness of your children. Some key points to remember include:
Strategic communication: your exchanges should be polite, to the point, and in writing. Do not engage in personal or emotional discussions.
Document everything: keep detailed records of communication, incidents, and agreements. This can be useful in case you need to turn to legal solutions.
Seek support: Build and maintain a support network, including friends, family, and possibly a therapist or support group. It’s crucial to have emotional support and guidance, and these people can act as witnesses to the narcissists’ behavior if necessary.
Therapy for the children: If needed, consider therapy for your child to help them cope with any emotional challenges arising from the co-parenting situation.
Minimize contact and conflict: When approaching your narcissistic ex, it’s important to remember that every interaction has the potential to go poorly. Consider parallel parenting, creating new family traditions that don’t rely on the narcissist’s participation or consent, and building a stable, supportive life that your children can depend on when they are not with their other parent.
You and your children do not deserve the chaos that a narcissistic ex can bring to the family dynamic. With some awareness, preparation, and strategic interaction, you can minimize the damage and offer your children a chance at a better childhood.