Divorce doesn’t just happen to a couple and their children. It can be a life-changing moment for friends and family who will have to adapt to the new normal following the divorce. When this happens, it is normal for loved ones to want to offer support to the family. Here are some guidelines for how to be there for a family that is going through a divorce.
Just Listen and be Present
The family experiencing divorce will be undergoing change and the strong emotions that come with it. The divorce process, no matter how amicable, requires a thoughtful approach to a variety of questions about finances, custody, and what the next phase in life might look like. Families are often experiencing grief, anger, fear, relief, or confusion, and they need to process these emotions. As a loved one, be there with attention and compassion. Letting your loved ones explore their options and their feelings without judgment. Your job is not to fix the situation, but to provide a safe space and validation.
Help Reduce the Overwhelm
With divorce comes a dizzying number of new responsibilities and stressors. This can upend routines and make simple tasks feel overwhelming. Offer your loved one support by taking on some of the following:
– Running errands like getting groceries.
– Cooking meals so that the family stays fed through the tough times.
– Watching kids when the parents have important meetings or court dates.
– Household help with small things like folding laundry or tidying up.
Rather than an open-ended question like, “Is there anything I can do to help?” make concrete offers to take the burden off the family.
Supporting the Kids
Divorce often involves a lot of pain and confusion for the children. They are facing an uncertain future, and they often have anxiety about what it will hold. They can struggle with feelings of responsibility and guilt. As a loved one, you can offer them support. Invite them over for age-appropriate activities so they can have some time away from the stress and experience some normalcy. Let them know it’s ok to talk about their feelings – or not to speak at all if they aren’t ready. Check in with them about school. Their behavior and grades might be suffering from all the changes. Finally, model stability for the children. Being a calm and consistent presence lets them know that you are a resource that is definitely not going to change.
Infuse Fun
In the midst of a divorce, families often lack the time and emotional energy to remember that life can be fun. Moments of lightness and laughter are incredibly healing and helpful. As a loved one, you can take the lead by suggesting activities that offer a break from the intensity. Propose and organize nature walks, game nights, movie marathons, or any other engrossing activity that you know the family enjoys. Keep the invitations open and pressure-free.
Avoid Injecting Your Opinion
Only the family knows what went on in the relationship, and each member of the family will also have their own experience of the events. When supporting a loved one through a divorce, it can be tempting to take sides or offer your assessment of the situation without knowing the whole story. Be there, offer compassion and validation, but avoid giving unsolicited advice, speculations, or criticisms. If they are struggling, gently guide them to the right professional – their family law attorney for the legal issues and a counselor for the complex emotions.
Take Care of Yourself
At the end of an era, remember that you can’t support your loved one if you aren’t taking care of yourself. You may have your own emotions to process about the divorce. It’s essential to do so with someone other than the loved one. Don’t add to their burden by asking them to take care of your feelings as well. With discretion and sensitivity to the privacy of the loved one, talk to your own network of support about how you are coping with all the change the divorce is bringing to your life. This way, you will be better equipped to provide the support your loved one needs.