When navigating a fundamental change to the shape of their family, divorcing couples often wrestle with the impact on their kids. Deciding when and how to tell the kids about the coming transition to a new normal is one of the most important steps to divorce, as it can have a long-term impact on their ability to adjust and thrive. Every family is unique, and parents must consider their children’s specific needs based on their age and personality. However, there are key considerations that should be part of this important conversation.
Choosing the Right Moment
In Maryland, couples can divorce by mutual agreement, for irreconcilable differences, or after a six-month separation. It is generally preferable to give the children some advance notice of the coming change so that they have time to adjust. This is not the only critical timing question to answer. In Maryland, couples have some flexibility over when to initiate the process, but when it comes to telling the children, it’s important to aim for a period when the children are not deeply involved with their lives – the beginning of the semester, exam period, or away at summer camp. This allows them the emotional space to absorb the news without additional stressors.
Timing also matters when it comes to state of mind – your own and that of the kids. The best time to talk is when both parents feel calm and composed so that their emotions don’t take precedence over the needs of the children. Ideally, parents should be unified in their message and avoid times of high conflict. Additionally, consider the emotional state of the children – pick a time when a long, quiet conversation can take place without interruption or distractions.
Presenting the News Together
One of the first reactions for most children hearing about their parents’ divorce is to wonder how it will impact their own lives. They can be concerned that they are losing one of their parents in the process, or, worse, fear that they will have to choose. Combat these natural fears by presenting a united front for their sake. A teenager will have different needs, comprehension, and vulnerabilities than a younger child. You may want to take this into account when deciding whether to speak to the children together or individually.
Ideally, you would want to speak to them together, so that they don’t wonder what the other parent thinks because you are both conveying the same message at the same time. You should also consider and agree on the main points you want to convey, particularly some practical issues about where the adults and children will live. Finally, and critically, make sure to emphasize that the change in the adult relationship does not impact your love and caring for your children. Emphasize that the decision by the adults has nothing to do with them and make it clear that they are not to blame.
Answer Questions and Provide Support
When telling the children, expect that they will have questions. Some will be immediate, and you should consider the age and personality of each child when answering. Avoid discussing the adult reasons for the divorce. Not only can adult relationship issues be confusing to a child, but they can also make them feel like they have to choose sides. Be thoughtful and respectful of their concerns and keep emphasizing that you love them still.
After sharing the news, give the children time and space to process. Let them know that they can come to you with questions, worries, and feelings when they are ready to talk. If you can, offer them additional resources like counseling. If you don’t have a counselor in mind, your divorce attorney can be a good resource for finding local help. Be patient if the children act out or test you as they try to understand the boundaries and dynamics of a co-parenting situation. Remain loving and firm and continue to remind them that the change in the family structure does not change your commitment as parents.