In a recent episode of Ask Lloyd, two experts on relationships with narcissists had an enlightening conversation that is well worth the listen. Lloyd Malech was joined by Marcia Williams, LCP, to explore this critical topic. Their combined expertise in the legal and mental health fields spans decades, and they were able to offer some important advice and insights.
Recognizing the Signs That You Are in a Relationship With a Narcissist
According to both Marcia and Lloyd, narcissists gravitate to people with empathy because they can take advantage of this generosity of spirit to maintain control over the relationship. Empathic people put so much energy into being understanding of others that they can miss how they are being mistreated. Narcissists want the world to revolve around them and their perspective, so empaths who focus on the needs and wants of their partners are a perfect foil to their self-absorption. Tellingly, narcissists have no empathy themselves, so a hallmark of their behavior in a relationship is that the entire dynamic revolves around the narcissists.
Narcissists are experts at gaslighting – making their partner question reality by superimposing their skewed view and demanding that it take precedence. Their version of affection and love is performative, and they show love only as a means to an end. This can include “love bombing”– an overwhelming display of attention and affection to win their partner over emotionally – but always on their own terms and to their own ends. For their partner, this dual manipulation can be debilitating, making it hard to see how problematic the relationship truly is.
The Role of Therapy in a Relationship With a Narcissist
Relationships with narcissists are rarely positive, and the toll on the person who is a victim of a narcissist can be intense. Marcia and Lloyd discussed the fact that many victims try to use couples therapy without realizing that a person on the far end of the spectrum – someone with a narcissistic personality disorder – is unlikely to change. She recommends focusing on one’s own mental health by pursuing individual therapy. However, since many individuals pursue couples therapy to feel that they have tried every option to salvage the relationship, Marcia recommends working with a therapist who is familiar with relationship dynamics when one-half of the couple is a narcissist. Therapy, individual and couples, is a space where a victim of a narcissist can come to the self-realization that they deserve better.
When is it Time to End a Relationship With a Narcissist?
Both experts agree that the time to end the relationship is when the victim is ready. Children, finances, community, and many other factors can make it terrifying to try to extricate from a relationship with a narcissist since they will inevitably take the nuclear approach. Between the emotional toll of being in the relationship and fear of the unknown, it is understandable that victims of narcissists need to move at their own pace. When the time is right, the end of a relationship with a narcissist will be a huge relief.
Marcia’s expertise in this area is based on 22 years as a therapist, as well as her personal experience of being married to a narcissist. She has developed a program to help survive, surpass, and thrive called “Passage to Peace,” which provides structured support for those seeking to reclaim their lives after narcissistic abuse. She can be contacted at info@thepassagetopeace.com.